I am the Night

John Safran just replied to a tweet about missing Music Jamboree *cries*

Bah! I forgot to turn off auto paid LJ account and was charged again, oh well I'm good for a while I've turned it off now. I never use this thing anymore. LJ is a graveyard unless you want to buy and sell lolita clothes.

And or read some fic.................. yes. Very good.

I need to invest in some new tunes - though am enjoying the twee-as-fuck musical styling of The Mountain Goats and remembering the awesome majesty of Machine Gun Fellatio. I tells ya Australian music peaked at the late 90s/early 2000s with the exception of The Herd who are consistently putting out the rump rattling beats. Gah I haven't been to a gig in ages and don't listen to the radio much since the murder machine* died so that would perhaps fix the stagnation of my music collection.

Crystal Castles are good but The Knife did it better IMHO.

Sometimes at the gym I'm rockin' out to something on the tread mill but have to check myself before I wreck myself trying to headbang or rock out mid stride on the mill. That's a one way ticket to getting your ass kicked by a tread mill :/ Boo.

Speaking of Gym time they have three big tvs in front of the cardio machines with the news, MAX music and a sports channel. Since I go at a fairly regular time I catch the top end of the top 40 (I will give so much money to the person who kills Guy Sebastian for me) and UFC. Now UFC is mixed martial arts, from what I gather its part kickboxing, wrestling and boxing all done in a caged octagon. When I first caught some on the screen I was like - hey who switched the sports to gay porn but then I realized it was UFC, it's like they asked around on how to make Greco-Roman wrestling even more gay and constructed a league sport around it.

UFC should stand for Ultimate Fucking Cage - amirite?

Gonna see if I can calibrate the radio function on my cruddy mp3 player...

Also Benedict Cumberbatch in the next Trek film? DO THEY WANT MY BRAIN TO EXPLODE? *tableflip*




*my old cd/radio that looks like an old 50's Bakelite radio but covered stickers.

Hair is now partially neon/indigoish blue - am re watching the Venture Brothers.

Jolene as done by Strawberry Switchblade - listening to this pretending there's some HUSSY trying to take my husbando, though the jokes on you cus I don't have one.

Benedict Cumberbatch - revising my previous stance on the matter I would be very ok with having yo freak babies

Tom Hiddelston - i have covered Ben in butterscotch pudding, have at thee.

i am going to die alone - please have my corpse tastefully preserved and propped in-front of my computer regularly checking tumblr endlessly.

been going to the gym again with mum, gran helped by paying half the fee :) Now to make that rowing machine my bitch.

also all of tumblr's loosing their nuts over the superbowl extended avengers trailer. not even mad - also HAWKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYE

tumblr is down - lol

new avengers superbowl trailer - HNNNNNNNNNNnnnnnnngggggggggggggggggg

is it april yet?

Thats right - Australia gets Avengers in April. *reallygrosssobbing*

WAKE ME UP.... WHEN FEBUARMARCH ENDS.....

Till then catching up on comics - started the original Stan Lee/Jack Kirby 'Journey into Mystery - The Mighty Thor' Run and will eventually skip the motherfucking 90s and get onto perfectlittlebaby Kid Loki respawn books because the couple of issues I have read were darling.

nothings to see here folks.......

Maybe one day I'll give a crap about this blog again

Soooooo I feel awful, went to bed last night around 11ish and didn't emerge to the land of the living till 2pm today, ate, fell asleep for a few more hours and it seems that's likely to repeat itself.

Man I'd be a lot more inclined to suicide right now but stupid reasons are keeping me alive, lets just say. Suicide is more of an option AFTER:

The Avengers
Sherlock BBC: Season 2
Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows
Still need to watch the rest of Wallander
Possible new season of Breaking In
My Tumblr won't let me

So enjoy me while you can bitches because I intend to die in possibly two years time depending on Australian release dates of shit.

Sooooooo back at the family home, woo :(

Ahngghh.... don't know what to post here anymore since everything of interest that isn't fic is on tumblr for me these days.

Woooooooo goin' back to uni for my last semester in a weeks' time. Time to haul ass to Typo and stock up on stationary :D

I need to ask how long I can put off doing Honors because I haven't got a portfolio photographed or written up let alone a thing to do for an honors project. Shit I still feel like a idiot dildo queen in my every day ideas about what I want to do with any thing I create. My anxiety is getting in the way big time as well to the point where I'm feeling totally phobic about creating anything.

It boils down to the belief that I'm very, very stupid and everything I have to say through my work is dumb and boring and that other people think it's dumb and boring.

I hate having to do things about identity - I have so much trouble with that on a daily basis and have been at war with that shit for so long I'm surprised I haven't crumbled like wet biscuit. Besides, everything I have to say about myself is about how awful I am, how stupid I am and how I should die in a fire. That's fun for no one - so what's the point of putting it out there (er... yes I do realize I just expressed all that in order to decry it, shit is getting meta as fuck in here)

I feel like I'm not thriving as a human or as a creative person.

I'm in an utter rut

I feel alienated by my peers

I have very little in the way of resources

I have become phobic of even the act of creating

Anxiety doesn't help

Self Esteem is and has been super poor

Self Worth is poor

I hate feeling strong emotions - so I deny myself because its embarrassing

I spend lots of time focusing on things that distract me instead of stimulate me

Damn.... I can only just do work when I'm occasionally not feeling like crap on a crap cracker - how am I gonna deal with taking on honors? Especially if the only honors students who get to do the super cool stuff are people who are first class? I under estimate my intelligence and therefore don't challenge myself for the fear of looking stupid and wasting time and resources I just don't have at this stage of my life. A foolish failure who will never be able to shake the stench of it is not the dude I want to be - so I guess settling for coward hiding under a pile of coats hoping that it'll fix itself once I emerge from under it.

I know I aim low but lately I've been subterranean in my goals - as in - today I peel self away from Tumblr and buy some food. THIS IS A SUCCESSFUL DAY FOR ME.

This is already too much gross feelings out in the air, I'm gonna try sleeping,,, hopefully.